Life is full of beauty. It is the life that surrounds us. It is the air we breathe. It is in our souls. But most importantly, it is in you. I cannot cease to emphasise that beauty is not in the face, but a light in the heart.
Recently, I've been really down about, well, me. I can't seem to figure out who I am, and have been quite self-conscious about how I look. I hate what I've done to myself. Because I have never considered myself pretty and always admired how beautiful my friends are, I always felt bad about myself. And I'm pretty stupid because what I do to myself next doesn't help. In fact, it only makes it worse. I binge eat when I'm upset. This has been a bad habit which probably started when I first felt negative about my appearance (I blame the society in which we live). I kept doing this to myself when I was little. I've complained about how fat I am and how horrible my skin is when really I'm just a stupid crybaby. I used to have soft and smooth skin. But because I binge, I have made myself eat unhealthily, made myself fat, and made my skin look terrible. I have no one else to blame but myself. And so I should stop complaining and crying so easily.
Today was tiring. Everyone was sooo beautiful. Actually felt pretty when SH complimented me. But when I got back to the gym, all trace of confidence left me. And like always, whenever I feel uncomfortable, I run away. I hid in my shell where it was safe. And it's during those times that I really do wish I was a little turtle with my own shell that I can tuck myself into. I hate how I always compare myself to others. Why can't I love myself for who I am? How can I expect people to love me when even I don't love me.
So I got home today, cried to my heart's content, took a shower and looked myself in the mirror. "It doesn't matter". "My friends love me for who I am". "You have to power to change". "Love yourself". And I don't know why I suddenly thought of my math tutor, but I remembered what she said last Saturday. I'm the happy girl, she said. I'm the girl that has a good laugh about anything. I haven't heard this for a long time. And for a while now, I've forgotten that that is me. She has no idea how happy that made me feel. I feel like I've found a piece of myself again. I've found the me that I loved. And suddenly, I don't feel as bad as I did a moment ago.
Good news guys ^^ I've thought things through. And I think I've found myself. The old me that would say life's too short! why torture yourself with sadness and anger when you can let go of everything and just be free? Heidi, I have missed you. Lol, talking to myself. Heyy, it's like deja vu. I remember writing that before, hahas. Anyways, my goal is to one day love myself so much that I believe that I am beautiful. Just as beautiful as my amazing friends.
Talking about amazing friends. I LOVE YOU, J!!!!!! Only just read what you posted on my wall. You made me cry :) Why the smiley face?? Because they were tears of joy. Because I felt loved. Because you caught me off guard. Thank you <3 And I want you to know that I think you're beautiful. Both on the outside and on the inside. And that's what makes you perfect. And M, I want you to know that you're beautiful. Like J, both on the outside and more importantly on the inside. Well, not literally on the inside, cos that ain't pretty at all :S I love you guys no matter what, and seeing you guys beat yourself up on your appearance makes me feel helpless. The both of you are two of the most beautiful people I know. The others being the other silly girls I call my friends ^^ The same goes for all of you. Love you guys to bits ^^
#47 I like ABBA.
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