Hey guys, if you want to read the whole post, you'll have to click on the stupid 'Reed more' button...

Well, I haven't posted in long long time, have I? Guess what? It's almost the end of the term!!! ^^ I am so excited. There's so much I'm looking forward to. It's gunna be so awesome. Gotta have as much fun as I can this holiday before year 11 starts and then it's all work and no play ;) Time to embrace summer with activities like swimming, cycling, walking, taking a lot a lot of photos, and having fun. I think you get my point about having a very fun break from school.

Wow, one year has gone by so quickly. Unbelieveable. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town! ^^ Yesh, that's right. Time to get into the Christmas spirit guys. Thinking back, Christmas really did seem like a magical time of the year when I was little. But now, well it's still pretty special. Just not what it used to be. Well, things change - all I can say.

Drama time!! Omg, Forensic Heroes!! ^^ Sooooooo good. Just finished watching it. I really hope there's another series. Really really really want there to be another series. Bad news is that I don't have another drama to watch.... Tried to watch Tokyo Juliet, but it's kinda boring.... Plus the video quality isn't that great. Gotta find a good drama to watch.. Any suggestions guys?

#70 I really like Japanese food.

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I'm Gunna Miss You Longer...

One year goes by really fast doesn't it. I hate how much I'm reminiscing. It makes you feel old cos you realise how much you've been through and how much things can change in the matter of seconds. I would really prefer this post to not be serious and all so I'll keep it simple:

One year since Grandpa passed, yesterday. Felt pretty down yesterday but it was a nice day so I should've smiled more. Well, we've all been pretty busy I guess. That's part of the reason why time passes so quickly. I can see why people always want more hours in a day. Wells, enough about that.

Sorry guys. Don't ask why; I just am. I simply want to take this chance to apologise for all the wrongs I've done and all the hurt I've caused. And for all the times when you've been feeling down and lonely, I'm sorry for not realising or being there. But from now on, I will try to notice more and be more considerate. Because no matter how much we all want to remain little kids forever, at some point we've got to grow up, face reality, and realise that the world won't stop turning just for us, even if it's just for a moment.

Following the depressing mood I was in yesterday, I was pretty down this morning as well. I felt like being a loner and decided not to plan on a taking a specific train with friends. I spent the whole of the trip to Stratty with my earphones in. Now I'd like to admit that it was a surprise to see J, V, and E on the platform waving me to get off. In fact, it was so unexpected that I froze for a moment in time.The feeling was strange. And then I could feel the smile suddenly spread across my face as I woke up from the loneliness. So I get off and begin a brand new day. What made it even more special was when J spots M walking up the platform. At that time, I still hadn't noticed something really important. I noticed when the five of us were sitting across from each other in the carriage. Looking at the people sitting around me and thinking back on how the trip turned out, I realised how great life is. I re-realised how lucky I am to have such awesome friends. This sounds really cheesy and all but yeh. I just gotta say it. To remind you guys of how amazing you are. And how important you guys are to me. You guys made my day.



#66 I really love cheese.

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The Unexpected

What to do when procrastinating? -- YouTube.
What to YouTube? -- FSHS ;)
What do you expect to find? -- previous flops
What do you unexpectedly find? -- the strangest videos. LOL

Seriously, you would've never seen this coming. So just to name some of the funny, weird and awesome videos I found...

• 2008 year 8 fail japanese basketball video. This one was definitely unexpected. The vid revolved around poor little Erol getting bullied. And by who of all people? You'd expect some bigger and older kid, right? But no. It was someone with cute bouncy mushroom hair ;) Some may say he's annoying, funny, stupid etc. Any guesses? Yup, it's LV! And the other bullies were NL and someone else. Can't remember cos I probs watched too many vids... But yeh, I found it pretty funny. But not funny funny. It was stupid funny. If you know what I mean...



• Flops. I would have to say I absolutely love love love the flop vids. And they just keep getting better. I wonder what ours is gunna be like. Not too far away now... Anyways, they were really funny. And entertaining.



• Fortrix Reloaded. Btw, these aren't listed in any particular order. Just listing them as I recall them. This one was pretty good at some points... Liked the comments in the video ^^



• Hungry Jacks Parody. Love love love this one. So funny ^^ You can tell it was filmed in Burwood but yeh, that's irrelevant. I kinda wanna try this. Seems fun, lol. But there'd definitely be lots of WTF?'s flying around.



• Nooby Bboy Battle. This one was pretty cool. Kinda recognised the people but not really.. Lol, that didn't make much sense. But yeh, think some other people we know can do better :)



• NL's YouTube channel. Randomly came across it. Though it had something interesting since it said FSHS, but it turned out to be just a shuffling vid dedicated to people... Yeh, then I randomly decidedly to see his other vids. I should really find something better to do than to sound like a stalker..

NB: I AM NOT A STALKER (just so we're clear on that)

Didn't do much today. Thought I had more to do but I've been procrastinating. Well, I did try to come up with some deas for commerce... But yeh. I think our current idea is good. But that shall remain a secret ;) Woke up so late this morning. If I was religious, I'd have so much trouble getting out of bed to go to Church. This just occurred to me-- are you supposed to capitalise the 'c' in church like you do for the 'g' in God? No, right? Idk, it just looks weird. Anywho, went to DFO today and then to Grandpa's memorial. The flowers look really pretty and Grandpa's garden is starting to grow some pretty beautiful plants. Can't believe it's almost a year. So much has happened. Even though it seems so normal to not have him around anymore, I still miss him as much as I did this time last year. Well, this is life. People come and go..




#63 Worst horror movie: Chucky. This follows on from the idea that I'm awfully creeped out by those dolls that seem so real. After watching this movie, it magnified my fear. The dolls come to life and try to kill you - that's the basic idea. But it is soo much worse when you're watching it, I swear.

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Deleted

Was going to write about last week when my family went to Floriade but can't be bothered anymore.

I swear J is right about me having child dimentia. I'm forgetting things so much these days. Well I've always had an, at times, okay memory. But now that I think about it, it seems like it's getting worse. I can barely remember being in science 3 last year. Can only remember little snippets here and there. Can you name all the people in your year 6 class?? I can't. Can you name all the people in your year 8 VA class? I can't. Can you remember the second verse of the national anthem? I am sad to admit this, but I can't. Wells, enought about that.

Daylight saving is screwing me over. First I get less sleep and wake up with the sun already high in the sky. Then the sun just seems like it loves me too much to go away. I know I know. I'm pretty awesome, and I can see why even something as great as the sun doesn't want to leave my side. Lol. Okay. Seriously, though. I'm getting so confuzzled about the time. Like right now, it's around seven and the sun is still pretty high for this time of night. It's great that there's more sunshine though. I feel so alive!! Lol. It seems like there's so much more time to do things. Though technically, it's the same..

So a few days ago, I started watching Ouran HS Host Club. The drama version. Watched the anime before and thought it was okay. I was curious about how they'd portray the characters in a drama so I watched it. Then I realised that the series isn't complete yet. So I wasn't bothered waiting for the next one to come out so I can continue. Yeh, I give up on dramas if I have to wait for them to come out. Unless it's super super super epic. So then I started watching Dream High. Watched the first ep and thought it seemed pretty good. So I decided that I'd continue watching it. Haven't watched it since then, lol. After watching the first ep, I randomly decided to read through the drama ranking and then came across Nodame Cantabile. Yeh, I kinda got addicted to that one. It's so funny and the things the characters do are so stupid. But yeh, I like that one. It's definitely up there amongst my favourites. Omg, the musicians are sooooooooo good. If only I had half the skills they do. But yeh, it's really good. If you want a good laugh, I'd definitely recommend it.

Holidays were kinda ruined by home work and commerce assigment. I know I said I was going to read To Kill a Mockingbird. But somehow, it completely slipped my mind. I wonder what I was doing.. Can't imagine what could've kept me from doing this... Yeh, was watching Nodame Cantabile while working on commerce assignment. I told myself I was going to start the assignment during the last week of school last term. Never did. However, I did finish it on time. And I didn't have to stay up late to finish it ^^ Yay me!

Noooooooooooooooo!!!! School tomorrow. Two weeks of holidays always go by so fast... I wanna sleep in more... I wanna stay up late more... I wanna drama more.... I wanna be lazy more... Lol, I sound like such a couch potato. Nooooooo, don't wanna be a couch potato. Okay, well I'm also glad that holidays over. Time to welcome term four with a great big pedophilic smile!! Hahas. Time to get serious. Lol, jks. Time to enjoy the last term of year ten. Lots of things happening this term even though exams are over. We have SC, leadership camp, formal, year 11 and 12 courses begin, parties etc. Well, I'm looking forward to this term.

Omg, Moves Like Jagger has been stuck in my head for days!! Song on repeat all day long. Help?? It's so catchy and just makes you wanna get up and dance. Lol, I don't dance <--- Not a high school musical reference ;) Speaking of high school musical, I haven't seen it in aaages. Can't really remember the movies much. Can't really remember the song either. Though I do have to admit that there were some really pretty songs there. Don't understand why everyone keeps dissing it. It took time and effort to write the music and choreograph the dances. At least acknowledge that much if you're a hater.




#62 Dolls scare me. This is mainly those porcelain dolls that look so life-like and those dolls that have those eyelids that close when you lay them down.

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Bad Idea

Sitting here at the comp with a headache. Why? Because I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean for more than four hours. Now I kind of regret it... Seriously guys, don't try it. No matter how good it is, don't give in to temptation. Oh, but it was soooooo good. The feeling of watching one movie which follows on from the previous makes it seems like one long movie all together. I hate how one movie can take so long to make. Like how the lastest came out more than three years after the previous? I dunno. Well, the point is, by the time I watch the newest one, I can't remember where the last one left us, and then the movie doesn't make as much sense as it would if I had remembered. So today, I finally understood every aspect of the series. I think Pirates may actually be my favourite series... But then there's also Fast and Furious, and Die Hard.... Okay, can't choose... *sigh*


Just wondering, is anyone going to the Kpop Music Fest?? Wanted to go. But yeh, just wondering.


Last week of schooooooooool ^^ It doesn't feel like another term has gone by. Almost term 4. Time goes by so quickly when you're busy... Or if you'd like to look at it from another perpective, time flies when you're having fun. I like the second one more. Because it allows for me to delude myself into thinking that I've had a great unstressful term full of fun and games. Speaking fo games, let's play a game. I really wanna play an intense game of cops and robbers at the school at night. It'd be so hectic. Reminds me of School Rumble. It'd be so awesome if school was like that.

So I was reading through my past diary entries the other day and noticed how stupid I sound. Just like when you finally decide to go through all your childhood stuff and find a whole heap of crap, and you think Heyyyy, I remember this... Yeh, kinda like that. Except you also think Wow, that's stupid. So that's I felt when I was looking through my own writing. I think there are always going to be times when you think back and realise how stupid something was. Just like how I always wrote "If lost, please return to " on my diary. As if my diary would make it out of my room. And why would anyone bother picking up a diary and wasting their own money to send someone their diary? But yeh. I guess my point is, there are always going to be tough times which accompany great memories. But one day, you'll look back on it and you 'll laugh at it all, whether it be good or bad. So enjoy every moment as it comes.




#57 I am afraid of those drains that are like a huge gap on the side of the road.

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Officially Missing You

Bin full of tissues, dry eyes, sore nose - the aftermath of reading The Notebook. I officially take back all the bad things I said about it. Yeh, the beginning was a little boring. And the middle was kinda just okay. But now, now I see what everyone was saying about the tragic story. Because the story isn't just about their forbidden love ;) I just couldn't stop crying T^T Couldn't go one page without wasting more than 5 tissues in the last part of the book. Can't remember the last time I cried that much while reading. This one will definitely be one of my favs for a while ^^

Right, well that's what I was doing while I should've probably been studying for the trials... Whoops... Too late to do that now ;) Not that I was purposely procrastinating or anything...

Why do I always get headaches on Saturdays?? Must be because my brain knows I have tutor and decides to sabotage my studies. Cousin's birthday party today. And I wasn't invited!! :( It was at a little kids playland. It's okay... I didn't want to go anyways.... Not like I would've like to go on the jumping castle... Or ride the giant slide.... Or climb through the mazes.... Or played in the pool of rainbow coloured plastic balls.... I'm fine with spending my day at tutor.... What's more fun than taking notes and solving x??

Started watching Mary Stayed Out All Night. But I wasn't really feeling it. So I decided not to watch it. Maybe I'll change my mind later. Probs will. So instead, I wanted to start watching a new anime. I was searching for something that seemed good. And I couldn't find one that sounded remotely interesting. I am disappointed. I truly am. Why are there so many about demons and half humans??? I am so sick of these. It just all seems the same now. Can't people come up with anything better? *Sigh* Considering starting Bleach again. But seriously wondering if it's worth it. Doubt it. Too many fillers.

So I was on the train the other day and I was looking at the new waratah train that they're testing at the place near Granville(?). Anyways, I noticed how new it looked and realised how technology is advancing so fast. It got me thinking about how much phones have changed in the last 5 years. And I remembered my first phone and my dad's old phone and M's old phone and yeh. All these old phones. And then I compared them in my mind to the ones I see now. TOUCH SCREENS. So many phones are now touch screens. Makes me wonder whether everything will be controlled by tough screens soon. Then a stranger's phone rings and brings me back to being insde the morning train. The ringtone was the same as my primary school teacher's one. Then I started reminscing. And then I realised how old I am. It's disgusting just thinking about it really... Anywho, as my train was passing the waratah train, I noticed how new it looked. That is until I saw all the dents in it. And then I thought of the people would do it. Why do people like vandalising?? It's stupid. Seriously, if it was at all meaningful, it might be excused. But it's just stupid people doing stupid things. Stupid people who do not appreciate the work, time, money and effort others have put into providing new trains that we could all enjoy. And really, I'm just this worked up about it cos I want a new train. Summer will be here soon. And if we still have to be tortured in those oven carraiges.... Cityrail. *sigh*

Well, off now.




#53 I love travelling.

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Download Spree

Yup, I am satistfied... for now :) Just finished my download spree, yay ^^

So I started having a headache last night and it was all good when I was sleeping. Then I got another headache this morning. Thought it would go away but no. It was being a pain, literally. And I had to fight it with super special magic Panadol powers to defeat its evil plans to make me fail the geo test. Yeh, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was. And just in case I don't do too well, I won't say that it was really easy. Because I don't want to look like an idiot if I comeback with a bad score ;)

I learnt how to skate without lifting my skates off the ice!! ^^ So happy about this accomplishment, hahas. Was laughing and clapping my hands so much cos I was so happy I could do it now. Still feeling pretty happy about that.

I don't want another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold, I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soouuul~

Anyways, I got really upset about someone. And I don't know what to do. I hate seeing this person like this and it really hurts to see what they're doing to themself. I wish they could see how perfect they are and just how much we love and care about them..

Oh no! Headache is back again.... What to do?? Is there something wrong with me? What's with all these headaches? Not enough sleep? But I've gone to bed really early for the past few nights.. Ugh, I'll just bear with it. Relying on drugs can't be good. So I think I'll stay away from the box sitting in the cupboard. I'm surprised by how much free time I have today. I usually have most of my time occupied with doing something. Today, it's like I have the whole afternoon to do anything I want. But sadly, time flies when you're having fun :( Okay, now I'm suspecting I forgot I had something to do... *think think think* Nope, can't think of anything. Oh, I'd do a birthday shout out to AL but he doesn't read my blog so yeh... Now, I can't think of anything.

Mmmh, must remember to call someone berry special tomorrow ;) Nope, it's not you Rawrr :P Someone else whom I love dearly. Sadly, it's not Jesse McCartney either because he's very busy. Also there's a certain legal document that doesn't allow me to make any form of contact with him... Jks. No one has filed a restraining order against me. Or at least none that I know of. Did YOU secretly file one against me?? Okay okay, I seriously have to get a life and find something better to do than to sit here at my comp blogging. Raise your hand if you know the numbness you get from sitting on your feet at the computer. Yeh, I hate that feeling. But I can't help not doing that cos my feet are often cold when I'm sitting here. Gahh, it feels so uncomfortable. I think it's worse than feeling cold. But the warmth from sitting on my feet make the numbness all worth it in the end ;)

Yes, I have finally run out random crap to talk about. Have a good night guys :)





#50 My first celebrity crush was Jesse McCartney<3 Yer, that's why I've been going a bit high lately; my love for him has reignited ;)

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Beautiful Girl

Life is full of beauty. It is the life that surrounds us. It is the air we breathe. It is in our souls. But most importantly, it is in you. I cannot cease to emphasise that beauty is not in the face, but a light in the heart.

Recently, I've been really down about, well, me. I can't seem to figure out who I am, and have been quite self-conscious about how I look. I hate what I've done to myself. Because I have never considered myself pretty and always admired how beautiful my friends are, I always felt bad about myself. And I'm pretty stupid because what I do to myself next doesn't help. In fact, it only makes it worse. I binge eat when I'm upset. This has been a bad habit which probably started when I first felt negative about my appearance (I blame the society in which we live). I kept doing this to myself when I was little. I've complained about how fat I am and how horrible my skin is when really I'm just a stupid crybaby. I used to have soft and smooth skin. But because I binge, I have made myself eat unhealthily, made myself fat, and made my skin look terrible. I have no one else to blame but myself. And so I should stop complaining and crying so easily.

Today was tiring. Everyone was sooo beautiful. Actually felt pretty when SH complimented me. But when I got back to the gym, all trace of confidence left me. And like always, whenever I feel uncomfortable, I run away. I hid in my shell where it was safe. And it's during those times that I really do wish I was a little turtle with my own shell that I can tuck myself into. I hate how I always compare myself to others. Why can't I love myself for who I am? How can I expect people to love me when even I don't love me.

So I got home today, cried to my heart's content, took a shower and looked myself in the mirror. "It doesn't matter". "My friends love me for who I am". "You have to power to change". "Love yourself". And I don't know why I suddenly thought of my math tutor, but I remembered what she said last Saturday. I'm the happy girl, she said. I'm the girl that has a good laugh about anything. I haven't heard this for a long time. And for a while now, I've forgotten that that is me. She has no idea how happy that made me feel. I feel like I've found a piece of myself again. I've found the me that I loved. And suddenly, I don't feel as bad as I did a moment ago.

Good news guys ^^ I've thought things through. And I think I've found myself. The old me that would say life's too short! why torture yourself with sadness and anger when you can let go of everything and just be free? Heidi, I have missed you. Lol, talking to myself. Heyy, it's like deja vu. I remember writing that before, hahas. Anyways, my goal is to one day love myself so much that I believe that I am beautiful. Just as beautiful as my amazing friends.

Talking about amazing friends. I LOVE YOU, J!!!!!! Only just read what you posted on my wall. You made me cry :) Why the smiley face?? Because they were tears of joy. Because I felt loved. Because you caught me off guard. Thank you <3 And I want you to know that I think you're beautiful. Both on the outside and on the inside. And that's what makes you perfect. And M, I want you to know that you're beautiful. Like J, both on the outside and more importantly on the inside. Well, not literally on the inside, cos that ain't pretty at all :S I love you guys no matter what, and seeing you guys beat yourself up on your appearance makes me feel helpless. The both of you are two of the most beautiful people I know. The others being the other silly girls I call my friends ^^ The same goes for all of you. Love you guys to bits ^^




#47 I like ABBA.

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Parting Song

And so the first week of term 3 has ended. Today was not a great day. It was crap. I felt crap. Stupid Cityrail. The only good thing about today was the amount of rain I got to listen. Almost the whole day of rain ^^ Bad thing: it was cold. Freezing. Except in the morning, but that was only because of the jog. Couldn't really concentrate on anything today. My mind was just off somewhere for several hours. Didn't do much during chem and eng. Really wanted maths today. I really wouldn't have minded having maths the whole day today. Is there something wrong with me? There is right? Hmmm, Cohen was squishy. Not squishy as in there were too many people in there. But squishy as in the carpet was soaked and when you walked on it, it was squishy... It was a strange feeling to set you foot down on it.

I don't know anymore.
I hate not knowing.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what's real;
I don't know what's not.
But what I do know,
Is that I can't keep thinking about this...
Only, I can't.
And it's slowly tearing me apart.


Absolutely love love love Will by Yuki Kajiura. Reminds of Pandora Hearts and makes me want to watch it again. It was a really good anime ^^ I can't stop listening to Parting Song at the moment. It's sooooo good. And reflects how I feel. It calms the chaos in me the moment it starts playing. And then the frustration returns once it ends. I keep on replaying it. It's such a sad/pretty song. Now I wanna learn it on the piano. Think I might go searching for the sheet music some time soon.

Binge eating again... Getting fat :( I hate it when I do that. Chocolate fact: Chocolate makes you feel better because it contains the same chemical that your body produces when you're in love. Well scientists, if that's true, why don't I feel better?!?





#44 I'm a coward. I run away from things that upset me. Whenever something makes me feel uncomfortable, I look away. Whenever something makes me feel pain, I bury it. Whenever I get hurt, I walk away. Whenever these things happen, I hide it. I pretend that nothing happened. Like a deleted scene. I tell myself that I'm fine. I try to lie to myself. I try to act strong.

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Feeling Shit/Great

Now there's a lot of reasons why I feel shit right now and I'm not going to go through all 5 bajillion of them. Yes, bajillion is a word. Speaking of words... list of awesome words:

- kerfuffle
- confuzzle
- stuff
- anemone
- shizz
- ambidextrous
- super­cali­fragi­listic­expi­ali­docious
- phenomenen
- cinnamon

Okay, that's all I can think of right now. Speaking of right now, I really should be studying for chemistry but I have no idea what to study for since it's a prac exam... so screwed T^T



^^^^^^^^^^^THE ABOVE = WHAT I SHOULD'VE POSTED ON SUNDAY? I THINK. BUT UNFORTUNATELY FORGOT.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.
Moving on, feeling gooooood ^^ Why? It's the end of semester one bby!!! Screw reports. Nothing is gunna ruin my break. Besides Ms. A's holiday work. But I will take that as a challenge and bravely accept it.

Random convo in roll call went something like this...

A: you know when you drink coke? why isn't your piss black?
Me: *stare* wtf? *crack up laughing*

JL: did you know that there are 180 bacteria in your mouth?
Me : really??
JL: yeh, that means that kissing is actually good because you share bacteria and yeh..
W: so you strengthen your immune system by kissing a lot of people
JL: yeh, except you might get HIV o_O


I am not going to write something deep and meaningful today because it simply takes up too much time and brain power. What happened today???

Saw WH doing multiple choice monday on a thursday!!! That's just wrong... Anyways... first period double maths. We were going to watch Lion King but Mr B forgot to bring it!! Devastating, I know. Instead, we watched Ferris Bueller's Big Day Off << think that's what it's called. Then there was geography: watched hungrybeast. Let's just say that it was insightful and disgusting. Commerce was boring because we were meant to be writing our resumes; realised how crap mine's going to be. Handed in last assessment of the semester at lunch. It was a waste of time really. Then chemistry and history which were also very boring..

Home. Relaxing time. Me time. Watched Secret Garden ^^ Sooo goooood!! Was up to ep7 when relative called and grandma used the phone that's connected to the internet D: So my video stopped loading... T^T Yeh, so addicted.. Soo funnyyy! Gunna stop talking about it now. Shall probably talk more about it in future posts because I have decided to watch it slowly and not finish it in two days like I have done with other dramas.




#39 I like balloons.

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Happy Birthday Dearie!

Birthday shout out to M. Hope you had a great day at school and at the performance tonight. Hope your arm isn't too sore :P I would've liked it if I saw you more today; then I could've gave you birthday punches more effectively... *sigh* oh wells. Love ya <3

I was looking forward to ice skating today. I can finally skate normally and as good as the little girls I was envious of a few weeks ago ('cause they could skate better than me). I was proud to say that I had not fallen over whilst learning to skate. But today, after all the practise and I'm finally going at a good pace, I stacked it. I don't even know what happened. I was just about to skate normally and then all of a sudden, I slid backwards and fell to the very cold and hard ice. PAIN. My hands were hurting so bad; like they were burning. But to the left of my tailbone hurt more :( I haven't fallen so hard since.......can't remember the last time. The point is, it hurt. A LOT. It hurt so much that I sat on the ice for a while 'cause it hurt too much to get up. Yeh. It hurt. And to make the situation worse, this guy was there watching me. He saw me trying not to fall. He heard me scream. He saw me fall. He saw me trying to get up. And yet he did nothing to help :( MEANIE! So there I was, embarassed and in pain. I'm sure there's no need to explain why. Then I slowly made my way to J, laughing off the pain and repeating "it really hurts, it really really hurts.." for a while.

Lonely has been stuck in my head for the whole of the long weekend and today. Wonder how much longer it can stay. Was on the train home alone today because M had the performance. So I was sitting in the corner with my earphones in and mouthing the words to the song. I have no idea when I began singing to myself, but I realised that people kept looking at me and was like, shit, do I have something on my face?. Yeh, so there I was listening to the song and actually feeling lonely :( Sitting there reminiscing. Been doing that a lot lately. Then I started thinking about the lyrics and how nice/sad they are. Just sat there in the fairly deserted carraige for a while, looking out the window in front of me until I switched trains at lidcombe. The train I was on was ten minute early so I had to wait longer than usual for the connecting train. Stood on the platform leaning against the pole, looking very lonely. Got onto the train and grabbed a one-seater upstairs. Before the train stopped at Guildford, I had small exchange with someone I hadn't talked to in a while. It was rather awkward.

I had a very short piano lesson today because I didn't practise piano very much this week and I think my teacher was pissed. I played a bit and then tried playing the next parts in the pieces. Played one song with my teacher and then went home. All in less than half an hour. I was hoping to get my theory exam back today but that didn't happen. It's not like I'm expecting to get 100% in it, just that I wanted something to talk about in the lesson to make the lesson seem longer.

Well, time to attempt to do the work I wrote in my diary.




#35 When I'm alone, I like to be invisible. On the train, usually standing or sitting in my special corner, staring out the window and spacing out. Just out of anyone's way and where they're out of my personal space is nice. When walking, apart from crowds with lots of space around me.

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Better Today

Love that song. But really, I'm feeling better today. Felt extremely better after talking to my AWESOMEE nee-chan ^^ Please don't worry about me guys. I was just being stupid, and a cry baby, really. I'm sorry for making so many people worry about me. And thank you for caring. You know what gives my hope? Stories. So, while I was being stupid yesterday, I decided to do part of english tutor hw. I looked up a greek myth. Pandora's Box. I really like this one; the first greek myth I've read. I shan't spoil it by talking about it's plot, so just read it. Or maybe I'm the only one who didn't know it. Oh wells. I liked it a lot. And it made me feel a little better. So yeh. This is me rambling because I really don't want to do geography hw. Oh, got back from piano about an hour and a half ago. Got a new piece to learn. I think it's going to take me like a term to learn it. What song? Rondo Ala Turca. Is that how you spell it?? No idea. Oh wells. Okay, time to do something. Would it be weird to start making a cake at this hour?? Probs. Okay, well I can rule that out of my options. Looks like I'm only left with one. That is to do geo hw. Well, off I go... to bed cos I'm really tired and my feet hurt. Oh, I can skate ^^ And control my screaming to a minimum, haha.




#27 I dislike peppermint.

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Can't Fcuking Do This Anymore

List of things I am currently failing, that is judging from my results:
- Maths
- Chem (okay, out of all the times where I've said I did the worst, this one tops it)
- Geo

List of things I am most likely to fail, that is judging from my performance on the day:
- Comm
- SDD

List of things I will probably fail, that is judging from the fact that I am completely unprepared for it and have no idea what to do:
- Eng
- Jap

Now for some positive. List of things I won't be that bad at:
- Hist (possibly)
- PDHPE


WHAT THE FCUK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I don't know what the fcuk we're doing in geography. I know the topic, and that's it.
English can go get run over by a truck, die in the explosion that follows, and burn in hell. I have no fcuking clue as to what we're meant to writing on friday. I'm so fcuking screwed.


Okay, back from crying til my eyes and ears hurt. Puffy eyes.
I'm fcuking failing chemistry. Oh, which by the way, I don't belong in anyways. I don't know why the fcuk I'm there cos I'm obviously no fcuking good at it. So here's a thought. Chem tutor. Waste more money on something I'm obviously not very talented at. Great. So much for studying medical science.

Here's another thought. WHY THE FCUK AM I HERE, ON BLOGGER, RUINING MY LIFE EVEN MORE. Now, there' a good question. Because I have no idea why the fcuk I'm still living. What in the world am I meant to be doing. Really, what the fcuk am I doing? Oh, and guys, please don't tell me this is fcuking life because I am too fucking tired of hearing this shit. It's me. It's my life, and I'm fcuking ruining it.





#26 I listen to music when I'm upset, and either silently think about whatever I'm upset about, or just drown myself in the melody.

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Don't Cry

Went back to previous posts which didn't have a fact about me to add one. Why? Because the crazy-retard-sitting-on-train-having-a-laughing-fit-today asked me to. Well there you go.

Things to do:
- pick a text for english
- study for commerce
- do english hw (this, I should be doing now)
- practise piano
- practise piano theory
- get VL her birthday present that's long overdue
- get the maths exercise book i had been planning to buy at the start of the year


Last night, I randomly thought of my piano exam and wondered when it was. I knew it was this month but it only occurred to me just last night that I really should have received the notification by now. So in a slight panic, I turned to Google for my exam date. It said, "16th-20th of May" <--- scared the fcuk outta me. Immediately called my teacher and asked her to confirm when it was. So now I know it's on Wednesday. A little more relaxed now. Anyway...Not much happened today. PE, Eng, His, Maths, Chem, Comm. PE- finally got the 2nd assessment task. Eng- made a mindmap of evil. His- started on the Viet War. Maths- got hit on the head four times by Mr Bayas cos I tried to block it...Chem- THE MOLE!! Comm- revision for exam which got moved to friday ^^. So really, nothing that important happened today. More excited for tomorrow cos there's ice skating. I really think I'm gunna be able to skate properly soon ^^




#23 I like being invisible and people-watching.

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Hard to speak

Literally, hard to speak because my tongue hurts; so bad it's hard to eat. Tried using salt water to disinfect and it just stung like hell..

There are a lot of things I'd like to say but it's hard to speak my mind. Why? Because it feels like I'm just being nosy? Because I'm afraid of hurting them? Because I don't know what to say? Because I'm afraid of the truth? Because it means that I'll be acting like a b!tch?

Raging. Questioning. Understanding. Rejecting. Apologising. Boy, would I like to give some people a piece of my mind...but that's not going to happen any time soon. I just don't have the strength.

"Let's try take it back before it all went wrong.." Wouldn't we all like that?
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ONE MORE WEEK! Time is going by so fast. It's already the end of term 1 and the first school break is here. I'm excited about it but not at the same time. Why do we have to get work to do over the holidays? The point of having a break is to have a BREAK from school work. Why do teachers aim to ruin our holidays this way?




#13 I only say "I love you" when I'm 100% sure that I mean it.

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Lost in Personalities

A double page covered in colours; green, yellow, red, blue, orange and black. Alarm clocks drawn several times reminding me of the assignments, homework, tests and assessments of the day. Scribbled writing cramped into the thin lines of each section. A black felt-tip pen crosses re-scheduled dates and events. Arrows crawl across the double page in multiple directions. Ticks and crosses fill columns. This is week 7.
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Q: Have I changed?
A: Yes.

2010 was a year to remember. Not because it was filled with great fun and happy memories. But because of the many things that happpened in the short 12 months of my life. My friends went through a lot. Not simply because of school, but because of the reality of growing up. My family went through a lot. Not because of financial troubles, but because of the reality of growing old. I went through a lot. Not because of stress, but because of reality of life. So what I'd like to say about 2010 is: I hated it. I hated it because of the things that happened. I hated it because of the things I said. I hated it because of the people I met. I hated it because of the hurt I caused. I hated it because of the sadness and pain inflicted on my friends. I hated it because I lost both my grandfathers in less than a year. I hated it because it all changed me in a way I never thought it could.

Ever since I was a child, I never wanted to grow up. I looked forward to entering primary school but that was it. I didn't look forward to the start of a new year. I didn't look forward to the start of high school. I wanted to stay forever a child. But then last year, I finally faced the truth. Reality finally hit me. It punched me in the face and threw me to the wall. Everything I took for granted was torn from my grasp. My world was thrown up-side-down and I fell into a foreign dimension. Or at least not the life I was trying to create.

I hurt so many people in the past. High school was a new start for me. I tried to change myself into someone who wouldn't hurt anyone. But in the end, I hurt a lot of people. I'm sorry I hurt you. And you. And you. And you. But I'm too much of a coward to say it to your faces. I hate how things just turn out like this. I try to do something good but it just turns into a big mess. Even now, I'm hurting the people I love. Why must I hurt them? Is it in my nature to hurt people? I hate how I'm so helpless. So incapable of solving a problem. So stupid to realise the sadness I'm causing.

This is just the first layer of my secrets. I'm not even typing half of all I have to say about this topic. But then I think, are these really MY secrets? Are they real? Or is it just another mask?

'I don't know who I am anymore'. All this is what I mean when I say those words. I really don't know.



#12 I hate myself. The first fact I thought of for my list was this. I was a b!tch to my friends without even realising it. And when I finally did, our friendship could never be the same. I was afraid of myself. So I tried to change. I tried to be the girl I thought I could be. But that's a lie I've been telling myself. And keeping up the act is hard. I just don't know who I am anymore. Am I the bubbly girl I once was. Or was that also a facade? I don't even know that. Am I the b!tch I was? Am I still like that? Whatever I do, I'm always hurting someone. I hate myself for that.

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Welcome to our class

Here are two quotes from a weird lesson. Today was a fun and mostly enjoyable day. J and Rawrr were typing on my computer about random stuff again. Something today made me think about a lot of things, and realise that I should appreciate each day as it comes. I'm looking forward to more days like today...

J wrote -
"J: Boo
H: AHHH I’m so scared!! *runs away*
R: Rrawrr ^^"


Rawwr wrote -
"Whenever I see you
I say hi
Whenever I talk to you
I say bye
But whenever you run away from me
I’m sad, it’s true
But in the end, when I meet you again
I would say I love you"

Nice poem, right? Any guesses as to who it is intended for??



#6 I sometimes just break down in tears right before I go to sleep.

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Happy Birthday 哥哥

Happy Birthday to my dearest bro. Been really busy these days and simply don't have all the time I need. Going to work harder.
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For anyone who might be wondering why I did not want my awards, it's because it reminded me of the reason I wanted them: so that I could make someone proud and happy. But that person wasn't able to see me on stage that day...

Anyway, on a slightly lighter note, here is fact no. 3 :)

#3 I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror.

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HOT

IT IS TOO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is the hottest week in Sydney this week, and I'm really feeling it. I'm practically melting away...not really. It's just really hot and I can't stop complaining about it. School started two days ago and I'm already sick of it. The pressure from all the teachers to do well in the SC is simply too great. But I'll try my best. Oh right, my computer died and I didn't get to finish watching Romantic Princess. I'm well past halfway and almost finished so I don't think I'm going to finish it once my computer is fixed. Today is Chinese New Years' Eve. My extended family are coming over in a couple of hours to celebrate this festive night. Meaniemooo came up with an idea of having a Chinese New Year Lunch. Don't know if that's going to happen but it might be fun.

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26th January: AUSTRALIA DAY
My family and my cousins' family had a great day at a beach near Cronulla. We were invited by my dad's friend. Mum, Dad and I woke up at 6 to make all the kimbap and we headed out at 10:30-ish. By the time we got there, the parking spaces were completely full and our destination was changed. At the original place, there's a lagoon and more inland, a sand dune and you can sandboard. I was particularly looking forward to that, but we DIDN'T go there =='. However, the second place was pretty cool too. The water was SOOOOOOOOOO clear. There was also a lagoon-like area, and in the other direction were rocks and cliffs.

For lunch, we had a BBQ, seafood, kimbap, and a lot of fruit. After that, my cousins and I built a sand castle, though it didn;t look like much. After that, my dad took us rock climbing. It was pretty cool. We saw a lot of crabs along the way as well. While rock climbing, I was very conscious of the rock beneath me and the waves that kept crashing against the rocks. While it was low tide, my dad led us inside a small cave where there were a lot of small fish, a few blue bottles and a lot of crabs. The water reached just above my ankles there. Then it was time to scale the rocks to witness a great view.

My dad's friend brought his jet-ski which I really wanted to have a go on but I wasn't old enough :( I took a lot of photos that day but they probably won't be up until next month because my computer has died. This is about all I have to say about that day. There's a lot more that happened but that's the basic idea :)

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So, after two posts of Her Story, I have come to an easy decision to stop writing it. Yes, after only two posts. I just seriously can't be bothered anymore. -CASE CLOSED-

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The End.

Just finished watching Hi My Sweetheart. This drama made me cry so many times that my eyes and nose hurt. I hate how Bo Jie is so against Xue Hai and Bao Zhu's relationship. I called out b*tch so many times while watching this. Oh, I didn't really like Mei Jian: she was soooooo annoying. It just pissed me off when she told Bao Zhu to get lost because Da Lang (Xue Hai) didn't love her anymore. The smartest thing she said/did was probably telling Xue Hai that she gives her blessings to Bao Zhu and him. I laughed so hard when Bao Zhu was getting revenge on Xue Hai. He was so stupid thinking of that stupid idea to pretend that he forgot who she was. Oh, and what kind of a cliff was that at the kidnapping? It was a small hill, that's what it was. It seriously looked almost like flat ground. And what the hell was with Bo Jie's bf? He's such a effing b*stard. That's when I felt a little bad for Bo Jie. Although I am a little frustrated that Xue Hai kept the mushroom haircut for the wedding, the ending was great! Lol at all the objections.

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It's almost the end of the holidays. NOOOOOOO!!!! It saddens me to realise that the end of summer vacation is drawing nearer and nearer. Only about one week left. Part of me wants to go to school, but a slightly bigger part wants the holidays to continue for another month or so. Too bad that's not going to happen. I shall start to get ready for school starting on Monday, hopefully.

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