Lost in Personalities

A double page covered in colours; green, yellow, red, blue, orange and black. Alarm clocks drawn several times reminding me of the assignments, homework, tests and assessments of the day. Scribbled writing cramped into the thin lines of each section. A black felt-tip pen crosses re-scheduled dates and events. Arrows crawl across the double page in multiple directions. Ticks and crosses fill columns. This is week 7.
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Q: Have I changed?
A: Yes.

2010 was a year to remember. Not because it was filled with great fun and happy memories. But because of the many things that happpened in the short 12 months of my life. My friends went through a lot. Not simply because of school, but because of the reality of growing up. My family went through a lot. Not because of financial troubles, but because of the reality of growing old. I went through a lot. Not because of stress, but because of reality of life. So what I'd like to say about 2010 is: I hated it. I hated it because of the things that happened. I hated it because of the things I said. I hated it because of the people I met. I hated it because of the hurt I caused. I hated it because of the sadness and pain inflicted on my friends. I hated it because I lost both my grandfathers in less than a year. I hated it because it all changed me in a way I never thought it could.

Ever since I was a child, I never wanted to grow up. I looked forward to entering primary school but that was it. I didn't look forward to the start of a new year. I didn't look forward to the start of high school. I wanted to stay forever a child. But then last year, I finally faced the truth. Reality finally hit me. It punched me in the face and threw me to the wall. Everything I took for granted was torn from my grasp. My world was thrown up-side-down and I fell into a foreign dimension. Or at least not the life I was trying to create.

I hurt so many people in the past. High school was a new start for me. I tried to change myself into someone who wouldn't hurt anyone. But in the end, I hurt a lot of people. I'm sorry I hurt you. And you. And you. And you. But I'm too much of a coward to say it to your faces. I hate how things just turn out like this. I try to do something good but it just turns into a big mess. Even now, I'm hurting the people I love. Why must I hurt them? Is it in my nature to hurt people? I hate how I'm so helpless. So incapable of solving a problem. So stupid to realise the sadness I'm causing.

This is just the first layer of my secrets. I'm not even typing half of all I have to say about this topic. But then I think, are these really MY secrets? Are they real? Or is it just another mask?

'I don't know who I am anymore'. All this is what I mean when I say those words. I really don't know.



#12 I hate myself. The first fact I thought of for my list was this. I was a b!tch to my friends without even realising it. And when I finally did, our friendship could never be the same. I was afraid of myself. So I tried to change. I tried to be the girl I thought I could be. But that's a lie I've been telling myself. And keeping up the act is hard. I just don't know who I am anymore. Am I the bubbly girl I once was. Or was that also a facade? I don't even know that. Am I the b!tch I was? Am I still like that? Whatever I do, I'm always hurting someone. I hate myself for that.